LoLo loves her friends but...

I don't like it when people push too hard to be liked, go to stupid lengths to feel accepted, try to become someone they're not just to be perceived as cool... because at the end of the day: how many versions of you can there be? don't you just lose the sense of who you really are? can you keep track of all the stupid and unnecessary lies you've told all those different people?... I honestly think you can't.


I like it even less when it's someone I really love; someone I believe to be a good person, a cool person to hang out with, someone's who's caring and lovely -at least to me. I'm left hanging with the nagging feeling that maybe what I'm getting is one of those holograms of you, not the real deal. Why would you be real with me if you can't be yourself with anybody else? How can I believe everything you say? How would I believe anything you say?... You're even lying to yourself! It feels so sad to feel the trust dissipating, the love fading, the need for you completely gone. I have lost sight of the person I grew to know and love; I am not even sure if the feelings I had were for the actual real you... and that's heartbreaking.


My heart breaks with every little lie, with every pointless exaggeration, with everything I know you won't tell me, with every goddamn story that doesn't quite add up. It's really sad, you know, to see what we had built slowly come to ruins, like a sandcastle crumbles as the tide rolls in. It's frustrating to watch you unknowingly walk away from me like that. I don't want it to be that way but it's, by the look of things, how you want it to go.


Sometimes I get mad too because I feel so cheated and so looked down on. As if you didn't think I'm smart enough to figure out that you're blatantly lying on my face; as if you didn't think I was deserving of the truth. How can I believe I am one of the very few people you love and need in your life? I am trying to come to terms with the fact that even your saying that was another big fat lie. I get mad because I feel you have used me, because I truly feel I've gone out of my way to stand by you, to make you happy... How I've worried over you.


But in the end, it's just downright sad: you have -or had, not even sure anymore- two people who really couldn't have loved you more, who would always have been by your side and you've chosen to disappoint them in a way they never thought possible; two people desperately trying to figure you out and on the verge of giving up. 


We can't fight this war for you, because it's a war against yourself. All there's left for us to do is hope you choose and fare well.